Bitching and moaning
12:14 p.m. - 2005-01-17
I've realized that I'll never be like the people whose journals I read. I'll never have lots of visitors who leave notes or comments in the guestbook. I'll just be one of the other thousands of online bloggers/journalers that keep a journal/diary/blog and only very few people read it, maybe their friends. Except the only problem is that I don't really have friends. My fiance doesn't even read this and he does have the url to it.
But alas, that's what the rest of my life has been like lately. It seems like no one really wants to spend time with me. I "let Dan the Man go" last night because he wasn't really understanding my reason for freaking out when I had a negative result on the pregnancy test and then went on to say, "And besides, if you are, you'll just get an abortion."
It was as if he hadn't listened at all that whole time that I told him that I didn't know if I could actually go through with an abortion. I mean, fuck, it's my body and it's not like he'll be here to drive me home after I get the fucking thing done. He won't be here to help me to the bathroom when I'm bleeding like a cow and he won't go pick up my perscriptions from the pharmacy. I mean, I don't even really know who I would ask to help me. I don't want to ask my roomate because I don't want my sister to find out. If this happens I really don't want anyone to find out. The test this morning was negative too. It's on the bookshelf by my bed. I woke up for my morning pee and took it them, they say that's the best time to take it. My cycle thus far is 41 days. Damn me for having sex!
Anyway, Maria Teresa gets back today. That's kinda cool. It'll be nice to talk to her tomorrow. I haven't seen her in so long. I don't think I'll tell her about my trouble. The funny thing of all this is that everyone I know always tells me about their troubles. I always lend an ear and sometimes dish out some advice because that's always been my role, but when I need someone to talk to, there are very few people I would tell about this. I guess that's why I journal. It's a pretty safe place I guess because of the aformentioned reasons. Anyway, yeah. I always bottle everything up. It's a sucky thing too because it only stresses me out and well, makes it all seem worse. At lease I can't go anywhere because my car is still in the shop or else I'd have spent my savings which I need "just in case."
Anyway, I guess I better make my bed and try to study for the GRE. God! Grad school application! Maybe I am "just stressed out."
Getting linked and saying adios - 2005-01-28What's going on... - 2005-01-26
Fixed - 2005-01-21
Sex ed - 2005-01-19
And still on the same subject - 2005-01-18
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